| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|02:13 pm] |
I don't know why I'm writing this here, but I need to fucking write it somewhere.
Yesterday was one of the weirdest days I've ever had.
The night before last, I thought it would be neat to take half a sleeping pill. I slept for 11 hours and woke up at 5 pm.
Got on facebook.
Tank wrote me. "Did you hear about Varm?"
My heart sank.
I don't even want to get into that.
My mind was reeling. I needed to go out and drink.
My pool instructor buddy picked me up, and we headed to Art of Billiards.
An hour into playing, I got up to use the restroom. There wasn't any toilet paper.
My buddy went up to the bar, told the bartender the situation in the most cordial way possible.
She looked dead in the eye and said, "Well, you can just wipe with your hands." I walked away to keep myself from PUNCHING HER IN THE TITS. It was so unprovoked. We left immediately afterward. I'm never going back there again.
We went to Main Street to play some piss-poor pool, but mostly to get drunk.
When the bar closed, we decided to do an after-party and get drunk some more.
Not too long after we left, I saw a bush in the road.
"Oh shit."
Right behind the bush, I saw a busted motorcycle.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit."
And then we saw the guy in the grass.
Fuck. My driver was wasted. He pulled over anyways. I called the cops and handed my friend some gum to hide the alcohol on his breath.
My teeth were chattering. I tried my best to sound sober.
I walked over to the guy. He couldn't move his legs. Bones were sticking up through his feet.
"I'M SO FUCKED!" he yelled. "I LOST MY JOB, I LOST EVERYTHING."
His pupils were different sizes.
I sat down right in front of him. "Hey, I'm Drey. Um, the paramedics are on their way."
The cops came soon after that. They tried to shoo me away but I stayed just long enough to get his name.
When I got home, I called the hospital.
"Sorry ma'am, but the only thing we can tell you is one word, and that's the condition he's in."
"Okay, let's have it."
"Serious."
It was so dumb. I couldn't even try and visit the guy.
I am really starting to kick myself in the ass about not flying home this winter. |
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| Here are some sex toys. |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|08:23 pm] |
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Hey, do octopuses turn you on? Well, as we all know, it's fairly difficult to get any cephalopod into bed with you, but with this dildo, you can have one eighth of the experience!  Guess where I got this image from. Tentacle dildos (Did I pluralize that properly?) are pretty strange, but not even close to the strangest dildos you can obtain. Let's explore, shall we? If you're into the whole aquatic sex toy genre, but want something a little more phallic than a tentacle, why not shove a scaled down replica of a whale penis into your love hole?
Not exactly shaped correctly for the human female's anatomy.
Not a fan of dildos that are modeled after real creatures? How about a dragon penis dildo? If that's too much for you to handle, there's always a dragon tongue, uh, dildo. Keep in mind, these are what dragon dongs and tongues look like in the mind of a sex-toy modeler.
My childhood is ruined.
Found in the same sex toy shop are water horse penises. Wait, what the fuck are water horses?  I don't know, but they sure are pretty.
I don't see what the appeal of nipple clamps are. But I guess if you're really pissed off at your tits, you can use nipple clamps that will actually ELECTROCUTE YOU. 
They look like jumper cables for those toy RC cars. Or, for your tits.
If you're anything like me, you enjoy putting Christian artifacts up your butt (it keeps the Devil away.) Of course, a full size Jesus would stretch out your rectum to hilarious proportions, so here is a butt plug modeled after the aptly sized baby Jesus. 
Awwwwww!
Of course, there are strange toys tailored for the straight man's needs. For instance, if you like to have sex with women, but don't feel like dealing with those pesky torsos, limbs, or personalities, this might be the best toy for you: 
I like how there's a penis tip at the top. It makes it more realistic. |
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